Beautiful Failure Page 19

  “You’re mad at me?”

  “Of course not.” He scoffs. “Tits like yours are a dime a dozen and I’ll have you replaced by midnight. Get the fuck out of my office.”

  “Ugh. Whatever.” I roll my eyes and head for the door.

  “Wait.” He stands up and walks over to me, extending his hand. “You were okay after all. If you ever want to come back, just let me know—in advance.”

  I laugh and shake his hand, thanking him for taking a chance on me.

  When I step out of his office, I head down to the dressing room and find myself face to face with Robyn and Sarah.

  “I should’ve known you were the classy college type.” Robyn frowns. “Well, not classy, but you know what I mean. You better still call me after you leave.”

  “Stop acting like she’s dying.” Sarah snaps. “She’ll be in Blythe for five more weeks and she’s only going to be a couple hours away.” She purses her lips. “I better get an invite to every fucking party you go to and you better invite me up the second you get settled.”

  “Done.” I laugh and pull my bag out of my locker. “Breakfast tomorrow?” I don’t even know why I’m asking that like it’s an option. She and Robyn have been coming over and eating breakfast every Saturday whether I invite them or not (whether I’m there or not).

  “Duh,” Robyn says. “Are you going to stay and watch us perform?”

  “No...” I shake my head. “I wasn’t planning on it. I was just coming and going.”

  “Ha! You can come and go after you dance tonight.”

  “What?”

  “College books are fucking expensive.” Sarah taps her lip. “You shouldn’t let your grandparents pay for everything.”

  “I have more than enough money saved up for books.”

  “Yeah, well...” Robyn pushes me over to a vanity. “Make some more. Just one more time. What could it hurt?”

  I shrug and decide to put on a final show, to bask in the lust and applause one last time.

  At midnight, I take the stage as Raven, dressed in a black corset and fishnet stockings. Underneath hazy red lights and smoke, to a slow sensuous song that begs for every man in the building to touch me, I dance as if my life depends on it.

  My body twists and bends around the pole without much effort or coaxing, and the cheers and pleas that I’ve grown to love this summer sound more amazing tonight than they ever have. With every twirl, the claps grow louder, and with every roll of my hips, the dollars fall faster.

  As I bend backwards from the pole—half naked and utterly unashamed, I shut my eyes for a few seconds and take everything in: This place, this music, these people...

  I’m going to miss this...

  After I collect my final dollars, I sit in front of my locker and smile, reflecting over my final performance. As amazing as it was, I feel a sudden twinge of guilt because I didn’t call and tell Carter about it.

  I haven’t told him anything...

  Chapter 17

  I knew this moment was coming. It always does.

  Just when the story is getting good, when the pages beneath my thumb are starting to dwindle, the two worst words ever written in the history of literature seem to loom near.

  This is it.

  This is “The End.”

  I’ve avoided Carter’s calls and texts for the past three days—unsure of how to tell him that I can’t be with him anymore. I want to start completely over and work on myself, accomplish all of my dreams. Alone.

  I lie in my bed and sigh as another round of thunder roars in the distance. The storm that’s hitting Blythe is here to stay for at least a month, and I probably won’t see sunshine again until after I leave for college.

  As I run my finger across his name in my phone, my heart begins to ache. It’s heavy and I can feel each beat that knocks against my chest.

  It’s now or never...

  I hit call and he answers on the first ring.

  “Emerald.”

  “Hey.”

  “I haven’t heard from you in three days. Was your phone broken?”

  “No.”

  “What’s wrong?” He sounds concerned.

  “Can I talk to you in person? I’ll drive over so we can talk.”

  “I’m already outside.”

  “What?” I jump out of bed and look out my window—seeing his Mustang parked right out front. “You’re stalking me?”

  “I was just coming by to check on you. I was worried.”

  “I’ll be right down.” I hang up and look at myself in the mirror, taking several deep breaths. I’ve weighed my decision about him carefully over the past few days—trying my best to put my emotions to the side.

  Sure, he’s helped me to see things from another perspective and shown me that sex actually can be incredible when it’s done right, but I still don’t really know him.

  All of our conversations this summer have revolved around me—rarely him, and it’s as if he’s purposely constructed them to be that way. He’s been kind and sweet, charming and sexy, but he’s also been incredibly vague and I don’t understand why.

  But honestly, even if he hadn’t been so elusive and as open as me, I would’ve ended this fling today anyway.

  I still have issues of my own and I need to sort them out. On my own.

  I rush downstairs and open the door, and before I can say hello I’m being pulled into his arms. He’s kissing me, caressing me, as if he knows—as if he can sense that something is off.

  “Are your grandparents home?” he whispers.

  “No.”

  “Do you want to talk here or in my car?”

  I look into the living room and then past his shoulder where the rain is falling down in sheets. “In your car.”

  He nods and takes my hand, letting an umbrella up and escorting me to the passenger side.

  As he shuts my door, lightning streaks across the gloomy sky and another round of thunder roars above.

  “Mind if we talk somewhere more private?” He puts the car in drive.

  “Not at all.”

  He kisses me on the cheek before putting the car in reverse and driving to the lake that he took me to earlier this summer, the lake that was my almost first date.

  When he puts the car in park, I move to the back seat, motioning for him to join me.

  “Tell me what’s wrong.” He trails his finger across my lips, looking deep into my eyes.

  “I...” I can’t do it.

  Not like this.

  I press my lips against his and move into his lap, pressing myself against him.

  “Make me feel better,” I murmur against his mouth. “Please...”

  “Tell me what’s wrong first,” he whispers, unzipping the back of my dress.

  “Nothing...”

  He doesn’t believe me—I can tell, but he pulls my dress over my head anyway.

  I don’t want him to be gentle and kiss me first. I quickly unbuckle his pants and pull out his dick—wrapping my mouth around it.

  He exhales and threads his fingers through my hair as I move my mouth up and down his length, as I swirl my tongue around his tip.

  “God, Emerald...”

  I take him as deep as I can, using my other hand to massage his balls. I don’t stop when he asks me to. I continue sucking him gently, enjoying his reaction.

  As I’m moving him out of my mouth—to put him back in again, he grabs me by my hair and looks into my eyes.

  “Get on top of me.” He shifts his body on the seat and I straddle his lap, slowly sinking onto him.

  There’s no talking between us, no moans or murmurs, just eye contact as I rock against him with my hands intertwined with his.

  He presses his lips against mine, ready to make me weak with another kiss, but I don’t let him.

  I can’t.

  I don’t want to be tempted to stay, and his kisses are that powerful.

  He doesn’t seem to notice my rejection, because he smiles and kisses my forehead i
nstead, whispering, “I’ve missed you.”

  I nod as he lets go of my hands and grips my hips. “I’m going to miss you too...”

  “Going to?”

  I don’t respond. I lower my head to his neck—biting him as familiar tremors start to build inside of me, as he tells me to “come back” so he can see my face as I cum.

  I slowly move my head back, staring into his eyes as my orgasm takes over me—briefly shutting them.

  Panting, I bury my head in his chest—listening to his frantic heartbeat as he tries to recover from his high.

  “Emerald,” he whispers.

  “Carter.”

  “I need you to be serious.” He strokes my back. “What did you mean by saying you were going to miss me too? Was that a slip of the tongue? A mistake?”

  I don’t answer.

  My heart is fracturing inside my chest and I can feel tears welling in my eyes.

  “Emerald?” He gently pulls my hair and tilts my chin up. “Why does it look like you’re about to cry?”

  “I don’t cry.”

  “I know.” He uses his thumb to wipe away a stray tear. “Tell me the truth. What’s wrong?”

  “My mom wrote me a final letter—a letter before the selfish suicide one.” I sigh. “She was trying to tell me how not to end up like her, and I don’t want to end up like her. Ever. I want to do something that she was never able to do. Be independent.”

  “That’s good. You should.”

  “She always depended on other people for her happiness. That’s why she was never completely happy, you know? She was always looking for a quick route to it—drugs, alcohol, men...I didn’t see it before, but I understand it now.”

  He nods, looking a bit confused.

  “You were my source of happiness this summer. You and only you. And um...You really helped to make me a better person, but I need to work on myself.”

  “Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?”

  My heart drops and I realize I can’t hold this back any longer. “This is goodbye.”

  “What?”

  “I barely know you, Carter...” I swallow and let a tear fall. “This is hard enough, but I’m sure you can understand why I’m telling you all of this.”

  “No, I can’t.”

  “I don’t want to have to rely on you for my happiness. I need to be able to attain it on my own.”

  “Emerald, listen to yourself...”

  “I’m more than listening,” I say. “My grandparents offered to pay for me to finish college and I’m going to go. I’m going to finish.”

  “You going to college doesn’t mean we have to break up.”

  “It doesn’t, but you did once say that you wanted what was best for me.”

  “This isn’t what’s best for you, Emerald. This isn’t how you break up with someone either.”

  “Should I have done it over the phone?”

  “Do you want me to take you out to dinner tonight and rehash my life for you? Is that what I need to do to keep you? I don’t have any deep, dark secrets I’m hiding from you if that’s what you’re worried about. You know me better than anyone.”

  “That’s really not saying much.” I refuse to show any more emotion right now. I tell him that I really enjoyed the time we spent together this summer.

  “That’s all you have to say for what we have?” He looks hurt.

  “Had,” I correct him. “There’s more to us and you know that, but please don’t try to make me stay, Carter. Please.” I know that one kiss and the right words from him will be enough to make me reconsider this, but I don’t want it.

  “Long distance won’t be an issue.” He buckles his pants. “I can come see you on the weekends.”

  I shake my head, avoiding his eyes. “I’d be tempted to ask you to stay for longer. I don’t want that.”

  “Don’t do this.” He’s running his fingers through my hair, caressing my hand and telling me that this is wrong, that he and I can make our relationship work. He tells me that I make him happy, that losing me won’t do him any good.

  I almost break down. I almost tell him that this is irrational on my part and that I would like him to take me out to dinner and tell me everything I don’t know about him, but that wouldn’t change anything.

  “I need to be on my own, Carter,” I say, moving out of his lap. I grab my dress and put it on. “I’m sorry.”

  He doesn’t move. He sits there stunned, and when I force myself to look into his eyes, I see a world of hurt.

  “Yes,” he says, as he moves to the front seat. “I think this conversation would have been better over the phone.”

  I remain in the backseat as he puts the car in drive, as he takes me back to my grandparents’ house. I honestly expect him to say, “Bye,” and wait for me to get out of the car myself, but he doesn’t.

  Ever the gentleman, he holds an umbrella and opens the back door, reaching for my hand. As he leads me up the driveway and onto the porch, he holds me close to his side—letting his fingers touch my body one last time.

  When we make it to the front door, he sets the umbrella down and sighs. “Is that what you really want, Emerald? Are you sure?”

  I nod.

  “Is this a clean break or am I still allowed to call you?”

  Tears are welling in my eyes again. “Clean break.”

  He swallows and takes one step forward, pulling me into his arms, kissing me exactly like I knew he would. As he pulls away, I know that there’s something else he wants to say, something else I want to say, but neither of us says a word.

  He steps back and motions for me to go inside so he can leave.

  I push the door open and look over my shoulder wanting to say goodbye again, but I don’t see a point.

  I’ve hurt us both enough.

  Chapter 18

  Five weeks later...

  “Roll Tide!” Virginia shouts for the umpteenth time today.

  She and Henry are walking me around the University of Alabama’s campus, pointing out everything that has to do with the Crimson Tide—the university’s football team.

  I’ve never been a huge fan of college football, but I do know that the mere mention of the words “Crimson Tide” in Blythe was enough to make people lose their minds. There wasn’t one business that didn’t bear the University of Alabama’s red and white flag, which is actually quite sad because Blythe is two hours away from the university.

  “You haven’t lived until you’ve gone to a football game in the South, hun!” Virginia claps. “Henry and I will come back up and we’ll all go to your first one together. What do you think about that?”

  “I’d like that very much,” I say and I mean it. I’m still a loner and I know it’ll probably take me a long time to make friends here.

  As Henry links his arm in mine and tells me about last season’s championship game, we start to head to my apartment.

  It’s three blocks from the main campus and totally overpriced, but they insisted on getting it for me. I’d told them I didn’t want to live on campus or have a roommate and that I was perfectly capable of apartment hunting on my own, but they’re friends with the man who owns my complex and he was more than happy to let me in at the last minute.

  “Well...” Henry sighs as he readjusts the AA meeting schedule on my fridge. “We’re going to miss you terribly, Emerald. Please don’t hesitate to call us if you ever need anything.”

  “I won’t. I’ll see you in like four weeks, right?”

  “Roll Tide!” Virginia laughs. “We’ll be here early! We’re tailgating and all!”

  “Looking forward to it.” I can’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm.

  The three of us awkwardly move towards one another—embracing for several minutes. When we finally let go, I tell them both that I love them and that I will call every weekend with updates, no matter how mundane they are.

  This makes them smile, and I walk them to my door.

  “Oh!” Virginia rea
ches into her purse and pulls out a black box. “I forgot to give you this. It came to the house yesterday, but we were all too busy packing your stuff up that I forgot to mention it.”

  I eye the box, noticing that there’s no label on the box, no return address. “Thank you. Drive safely.”

  “We will.” Henry steals another hug from me before they walk out into the night.

  I watch them walk down the path and past the small pond that borders the apartment complex. I watch until they make it to the parking lot, and then I step inside my new home.

  Lying across the couch, I stare at the black box Virginia gave to me minutes ago and slowly unwrap it. There’s a letter at the top:

  Emerald,

  It’s almost been five weeks since I’ve seen you, since I’ve heard from you...I know you’re heading off to college soon, but I want you to know that I’m moving for a while. Nonetheless, if you ever decide to answer my phone calls or text messages, there’s no distance that’ll ever be too far for me to get to you.

  I will come wherever you are, whenever you realize that you belong to me and I belong to you.

  Carter.

  I suck in a breath and try not to cry.

  I miss him. Everything about him.

  His touch. His kiss. His laugh.

  The way he talked to me late at night, the way he fired back sarcasm better than I ever could.

  Everything.

  Not a day has gone by that he hasn’t called or texted me at least once, and my heart cracks a little more each time that he does. Nonetheless, deep down, I know I made the right decision.

  He’ll see it soon too.

  That’s how it always works in the books without the happily ever afters. The characters grow together and then they grow apart; not because they want to, but because they have to.

  I fold the letter and set it aside, crying when I see what else is in the box.